And all through the house,
Not a creature was sober,
Not even my spouse.
1/ I mean, for starters, Christmas, hurry up already. The sound of my alarm in the morning is making me want to throw my phone through the window. Hard.
2/ You just had to fall on a Wednesday, didn’t you. So now we all have to suffer the torturous task of going back to work for just one or two days.
3/ Seriously, Christmas tree. Who knew you could drink more than I do? I can barely remember to brush my own hair right now, let alone tend to your wilting mop. It’s fair to say you’re starting to resemble some sort of sorry-looking toupee.
4 / Shoppers, enough with the death stares already. I mean, what’s not to love. We’re all super excited to be exchanging one another’s body odour in passing, right? And by the way, the smell of your stale coffee breath over my shoulder could not be any more appealing.
5/ Slow walkers and dawdlers, get out of my way. Not only are you infuriating, you’re also rather impossible to get around gracefully.
6/ None of this Merry Christmas b/s. Everywhere I go, I’m witnessing what can only be described as the ‘moving Christmas domestic’. Screaming kids are being dragged behind fed up mums and dads, just like pain-faced men are being left for dead behind fed up wives and girlfriends …
7/ Guys, what’s with the social gatherings outside the shops? We’ve all seen it: nearby bannisters and chairs filled with these poor, defeated souls. Oh, it’s all too much, isn’t it … finding a gift for your own mother. Poor things. Well ladies, this is our cue to take a gazillion times longer.
8/ Why all the hostility? I blame it on the office Christmas party aftermath. Yep, “somebody” got home at 3am this morning, pretending to be “fine” … only to have Facebook ruin EVERYTHING. Apparently, one drunken-eyed photo with a stolen Santa hat is all it takes.
9/ While all of this makes for excellent people watching, it doesn’t make finding the right gift (or a hangover) any easier. I’m carrying more bags under my eyes than I’ve had in my hands all month. Needless to say my Christmas shopping is still not done.
10/ And right now, Christmas, I’m past caring. Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I’m done!