Shellac attack.

Stop, she said.
But her brain refused to listen. Her subconscious
floated elsewhere, rebellious, like her teeth.

Stop – she warned.
But her fingertips still brushed them. Her lips
ever-beckoned, like little pillows of disease.

Stop! she yelled,
out loud in her own mind. Scolding, disgusted
with her inability to obey.

So she sat there,
biting her nails anyway.


Excuse me, New Year’s Resolutions.

Who do you think you are? Putting more pressure on us to be ‘better people’ after one of the biggest nights of the year?

I don’t know about you, but we’re all just trying to get past the hangover.

The holiday season is to blame. It’s the one time of year we eat up, spend up, booze up … and wake up on New Years Day feeling guilty (or, still drunk).

We’ve pushed our bodies, our emotions and our credit cards to the limit. But this year, it’s all going to change, right? We’re going on diets, we’re putting double on our mortgages and we’re never drinking again. YES!

No, Resolutions. No.

Quite frankly, you should be ashamed. You’ve set us up to fail at our most vulnerable and foggy-headed time.

You only have to look at Twitter or Instagram right now to witness the madness. Every brand under the sun is jumping on board. “Oh, January, hmm – I know – let’s do New Year’s Resolutions!”  How original. As Jim Carrey would say:

Somebody Stop Me

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for a challenge. I’m the first to add murky green chlorophyll to my water every January and cry “detox”. You should see the looks I get at work. But surely the key is a constant journey of little ‘I Will’s’ – not one single thing that’s impossible to sustain…

So this year, we’re making mistakes, lots of them.

We’re travelling to places we’ve never been before.

We’re trying things we’ve never tried – even if it is something called chlorophyll.

And we’re going to make ourselves feel amazing, little by little, every day.

Perhaps from now on, we should call you New Year’s ‘Revolutions’, instead.

‘Cos I’m certainly not making any resolutions.

Who wants to be a cheap, skinny, sober chick, anyway?

Yours sincerely,

‘Twas the rant before Christmas.

And all through the house,
Not a creature was sober,
Not even my spouse.

Christmas hangover time


1/  I mean, for starters, Christmas, hurry up already. The sound of my alarm in the morning is making me want to throw my phone through the window. Hard.

2/  You just had to fall on a Wednesday, didn’t you. So now we all have to suffer the torturous task of going back to work for just one or two days.

3/  Seriously, Christmas tree. Who knew you could drink more than I do? I can barely remember to brush my own hair right now, let alone tend to your wilting mop. It’s fair to say you’re starting to resemble some sort of sorry-looking toupee.

4 /  Shoppers, enough with the death stares already. I mean, what’s not to love. We’re all super excited to be exchanging one another’s body odour in passing, right? And by the way, the smell of your stale coffee breath over my shoulder could not be any more appealing.

5/  Slow walkers and dawdlers, get out of my way. Not only are you infuriating, you’re also rather impossible to get around gracefully.

6/  None of this Merry Christmas b/s. Everywhere I go, I’m witnessing what can only be described as the ‘moving Christmas domestic’. Screaming kids are being dragged behind fed up mums and dads, just like pain-faced men are being left for dead behind fed up wives and girlfriends …

7/  Guys, what’s with the social gatherings outside the shops? We’ve all seen it: nearby bannisters and chairs filled with these poor, defeated souls. Oh, it’s all too much, isn’t it … finding a gift for your own mother. Poor things. Well ladies, this is our cue to take a gazillion times longer.

8/  Why all the hostility? I blame it on the office Christmas party aftermath. Yep, “somebody” got home at 3am this morning, pretending to be “fine” … only to have Facebook ruin EVERYTHING. Apparently, one drunken-eyed photo with a stolen Santa hat is all it takes.

9/  While all of this makes for excellent people watching, it doesn’t make finding the right gift (or a hangover) any easier. I’m carrying more bags under my eyes than I’ve had in my hands all month. Needless to say my Christmas shopping is still not done.

10/  And right now, Christmas, I’m past caring. Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I’m done!


Christmas Kramer